Top Writing: Leading Secrets Revealed.

Alot of people - and I mean abiglot -have asked me many many time about the secret of my success - the hiddden dnyamic behind my career, my extraordinary éclat upon the web. my dizzying progression from brilliant researcher to academic polymath to literary figure of international repute -( they read me in the States you know- )despite the whirl of which has left me the same modest and unaffected genius I was before.

Many people ask me the same old question they ask major literary figures, namley “where do you get your ideas?” That is not an easy answer but in my case it is absolutely not from Knight, Overton Fuller or particualry not Patricia Cornwell. My ideas float to me across the scented ether, as if from nowhere, thistledown and gossamer borne aloft as if upon nothing - or a rose. Such ideas are not for me to question, coming as they do from Jesus probably, and I have always considered it inpolite and heretical to question them atall. Once they form in my head it is my divine duty to write them down immediately, and my spiritual advisor agrees with me, as with so many other things. And if I don’t question what I come up with, and the prison chaplain in
Holloway didnt question what I have come up with, then neither should you. OK?

For I am a dreamer of inxeplicable dreams and sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference.

But back to my success - which is a good subject, and very interesting. What is it down to. Two things really: Catholicism, sincerity and cutting edge, revolutionry grammar.

You see, above all I am a great sharer and have been known to share other people’s money and ideas repeatedly so I will yield to no brook opposition on this. Anyway this follows are for all those of you beknighted and lost in the jungle of internet blether, here are some red hot sure fire, much sought-after tips to inprove you’re web writing.

a) Use of what I call ‘Favourite’ words. Nothing more easily marks out a writer as recognisable original vocabulary.. here are my six favourite words, all of which are singular, powerful, evocative and entirely original. Beauty, truth, me, sabotuer, malicious, myeslf, disgrace, I, Catholic, archived, Jason, massive support, ace lawyers, I am right, you will all go to jail.

c) cultivate ‘Universal’ themes to which once can come back again and again: love, beauty, injustice, the fat useless violent thuggery of PC Weinert. More advanced authors might try the pushy madness of failed publicity-seeker Karen Trenouth , or the incompetence of the entire judiciary which keeps finding me guilty of things.

d) Courage: don’t never be afraid to tackle complex issues- just simplify them. Never fear to forage into areas protected by so called experts and tell the truth exactly as you see it, as you know it, as you have been told it by small leprechauns under railway arches.

d) The hoary constraints of grammar cannot stifle a free bird and so less attention is appropriate to tense and number than are often indicates. The main point is to being clear and to tell any and all exactly when what you’re been thought. Remeber that, because TS Eloit knew what. Unanswerable, archived treasure this, n’est-ce pas?

8) Engage your readers directly. Challenge them. They will love you for it. If you can do this hundreds of times in, perhaps, an avalaunch of emails then you will come to occupy a special place in their hearts.

g) Never hold back. Especially in frank and deep and detailed examinations of your own genius. This really gets the ball roll and laying down a marker for where you are going. It is this kind of
rethoric which really gets awards. No holding back - false modesty in unchristian and probably abit foreign. I mean, say what you like about the Lambrianous, ad gangsters they may well have been, but they certainly kept foreigners out of the East End.

d) write quickly and with enthusiasm. Capture the moment!! This makes for livelier writing, and its works out alot cheaper if you’re in an internet càfe and have to keep popping out to beg fivers. So you neednt bother evising or reading back waht youve writtrn either. Waste of time- theyl’l get the message.

h) History is allways very popular with web readers,as is family history, So filling uip pages with ones own family history is a sure fire winner, I admit this only really works if yoy are related to
extremely famous people and kings and brainy types, but give it a go as far as your sweet obscure little selves are able.

b) review a film or novel, even an old one, and imagine that it is written entirely about you as the central character. This gives alot of material to even the laziest of bloggers, and is quite good fun because it puts you at the centre of everything even when you arent. Or if you arent. Not that I aren’t but it would if I wern’t, or even if you wer’nt. Which is more likely. It even works with History, try imagining that the entire Stuart line leads up to, say, yourself, and see what that suggests.

j) Vivid and vividity are always good. So if its a bit rainy, say its sunny,. If its sunny say its beautiful If you are over forty say you are less. trust me on this. If you have a child refer to your children. If they are adults see them through the literary spectacles of your parentatility, and write as if they were toddlers. This is a leading, stone certain winner - and I know.

d) ignore all criticism. Its always wrong and usually motivated by jealousy and ignorance. I know that too.

vii) Lastly keep your narrative spicy, swift and absorbed. Take a lesson from Dickens and get on with it. If you intend to ring lawyers, say you already have ,because its all a matter of pacing the plot. No one wants to hear about things havent happened. Only an idoit would want to write endlessly on the web if NOTHING has happened. So keep your plots pacy and taut. Strict chronology is for sententious archilologists. I have nothing to do with such people. I live in a world of imaginative research and have said so several times.

m) Treat your audience as individuals. Yes, but choose whether they are on your side or not. This is easliy done by examining their names. If the are called Rachel then they are foul and unpardonable. Most of the others are all right. But in fact a long list of enemies is not in itself a disadvantage, it provides wonderful material and ensures that they keep reading,. Your stats will skyrocket. And a long list of enemies is in many ways a direct measure of genius, This is my
exprience and it counts. Take it from one who knows. Only people who are just pretend to be paranoid have afew enemies. Naturally it is people who really are being presecuted for revealing the
intricacies of secret history who trully have REALLY long lists of enemies. Its a total giveaway, and I can see through these fake boo hoo psuedogenius types at an absolute glance.

Anyway I wont give away all my secrets in one posts. You’ll have to will come more back tomorrow.

Bless, kiss and floss.

Bunnies to all.

x

;-)