Would You Adam an Eve It?

I am the victim of mindless sexist abuse in the field of detective science.

And its century long legacy....

As a qualified researcher and a detective and a scientist with a degree in psychopathy it is obvious to me and I have no doubt whatsoever that if I'd been sporting a suit while researching at Special Branch and the National Archives and when explaining the situation to my supervisors there and asking them to assist me against the horrific and mindless abuse I was receiving from my competitors, I would not be in the situation in which we find me today. I would not have this battle on my hands.

Because I am a woman they did nothing to assist me and made fun of my research.

This has gone on for a century. That's over a hundred years. It all started off with self-proclaimed Detective Scientist and media attention seeker, Mr (NOT Doctor!!!) Sherlock Holmes. He buddied up with some poor gimp and stole the detective research being conducted by the owner of their live in laboratory - Mrs Hudson. She made all the important discoveries and wrote beautiful research papers on Indian tobacco and many important monographs.

Holmes' role was merely to light the bunsen burners. Later, with a notorious tabloid hack journalist, known as Watson, they conspired to steal Mrs Hudson's precious research and take credit in a carefully planned media barrage storm.

I have evidence, real evidence, on my hard drives that show these two clowns killed her and hid her under the floorboards of 221b Baker Street. I have visited the house on many occasions and have re-created the crime scene in my head.

I always leave flowers for a lost researcher soul. It makes me cry.

Doesn't this horriffic tale remind you of anyone? Yes it does. Me. Me me me.

Recently America's top detective science person, Dr (YES!!! A real doctor) Kay Scarpetta was about to 'go public' with all the barrage of buffoonery and malicious pervert sexism she had encountered and how it prevented many victorian crimes from being investigated.

What do you think happened? They made public a slight and completely totally insignificant connection - that wasn't a real connection - with Patricia Cornwell to be sliced and smeared over all the papers. I was in shock when I read this as was my thousands of readers. how could they go so low? How could they be so malicious to have all Dr Scarpetta's serious research work be republished with the hideous Cornwell's name on the cover?

They will stop at nothing. They even killed Dr Scarpetta's lover (although once this was discovered by feminist secret history researchers they quickly revived him!!! Oh how guilty they must have felt, how utterly ashamed that their little scheme and scam had been found out)

Linking such a serious and dedicated scientist with a mad evil woman who thinks dear sweet Walter Sickert was the ripper shocked the whole world. The shamelessness of it. The cynicism.

NOW do you see what I'm up against? Do you? Do you see? Do you see? Do you really see?

If I'd been in a male body when I announced my research discoveries, which are, incidentally, irrefutable, ineffable and invisible I would probably not be in a battle re publication, either.

Probably.

Who really doubts it? Nobody who counts.

And I'm not in a battle for publication. My research will be published. Publishers are working themselves into alather trying to be the first to release my indomitable findings to the world.

I'ts quite something to be on the receiving end of it. It has to be experienced to be believed and even that you won't believe it. Really astoundingly unbelievable with an impossibility of believing the inbelivabilityness of it all.

Unbelievable.

Al;though I always work on my own and have never set foot in a research institution, my male colleagues (Aziz and Kevin at the internet cafe) have never seen anything like it. They find it unbelievable. Really unbelievably unbelievable.

That says alot. I don't mean to criticise my male colleagues - of whom I have hundreds and they all think I'm beautiful and gorgeous and all fancy me, find it unbelievable. It's because it's impossible to put yourself in another's shoes entirely. Unless you are a gifted secret history researcher like me. I can put myself in the shoes of the poor lost ripper victims. This is where I get my insights that fuel my research.

I'm not exactly unattractive, so I'm rarely on the end of a proud and bitter male stampede; I usually get the charming stuff, the 'love me, please.... I'm not an idiot really darlin...' that men do so (very) well. I tire of their pathetic cries of 'How much darlin'?'

I work for love of what I do, not for the sake of the oneupmanship which I see going on among my self appointed competitors. Why should I get one up on my pathetic inferior researchers? I just send them a couple of hundred emails pointing out their errors, research, personality and otherwise.

So I stomp about abit at times, fume, make jokes about it, rise above it, and it makes people laugh. To the extent that when a make a mildly amusing comment about it when I'm genuinely tired of it, sick of it, disgusted, distressed by it, they still suppress a giggle. ( Male colleagues in particular. The good ones. Most men don't permit a woman to have a humour talent, either. hmmm.)

I've got talent and great norks! no wonder the men feel so week and foolish in front of me that they have to get all the major newspapers, MI5, Special Branch, Sir Ian Blair (I bet that's not a woman's name!!!), the Met, the probation service, my ex lawyers, my ex ex lawyers the prison system and the archbishop of Cantabury to plot against me.

They just don't want to see a female detective science researcher succeed. This is why they have mounted this massive plot against me. This is why they made me not attend court, this is why they keep my hard drives, this is why their mad lunatic press and internet campaign is so full of spite.

And it's everywhere.

I've instructed my lawyers to book me in for sex-change surgery at the earliest possible date. This will put an end to this tomfoolery, for once and for all.