I Am Really Sick

As a qualified (partly) medical professional (in some areas), I have been able to diagnose myself with 'Blog Flu' which has been brought about by a sinister campaign of a marauding collective of discontented internet gibbons who have been deliberately and maliciously infecting me so I download a virus. I have a modern medicine degree, ( psychology, BSc honours) not because it amuses me, but because I believe in it.

There's been alot of 'London Flu' around, spread by the nasty, murderously poisonous London rain. Have you ever seen such rain, full of cackling maliciousness and in cahoots with a bunch of publicity crazed cumulonimbus and their sordid ape like hangers on, the despised and detested cumulonimbus marmotus. If you look at the sky you can see these malevolent and hate filled storm systems stalking me and following my every move. It is no coincidence that there have appeared in the sky some nightmarish 'contrails' all heading from Oxford.

I think we all know which certain and specific graphic designer is behind that!

What have I done to be stalked so nastily by a murderous and maloderous storm system?

The London rain is conspiring against me as I wander through the streets. I can feel it's foul pestilence in every horrible drop that always heads straight towards me. I tell people, Look! See! Every drop is heading for me! It's infecting me!

I think that I'm getting on top of it and I've hacked down the virus at it's root, which is the only treatment that really works with something as serious as this. I've had terrible headaches, feeling like I've had a big red London bus run over my precious head, full of gentle reseatch, over and over again. sometimes I've even had strange and terrible hallucinations of living rough on the streets of London, going from foul and degraded hostel to (another) hostel. Living out of carrier bags - and not my usual Harrods bags but from some stinking 'Aldi' full of the foul and vile smell of chav. Horrid. I can taste them every time I breathe. It even makes the wonderful champagne I delicately sip have the sick smell and nasty tinny taste of cheap supermarket cider.

But what horrible and twisted hallucinations. clearly inspired by the black magic and dark evil sorcery being practiced by my satanic stalker squad.

I can only find (partial) relief from the unbearable lightness of being and the calamitious nature of the head in a vice whilst a badger relieves itself on your forehead nature of the unbelievable pain the stalker like virus is inflicting on me by placing my head between my gluteus maximus and squeezing really hard. Thankfully this helps my blogging.

I've been praying to Baby Jesus to protect me and make me whole again, but as usual he's taking his time about it. I do wish he'd pull his finger out and start dealing with my super urgent prayers. I've always thought he was a bit wishy-washy.

I've had a major research breakthrough. This rain is hard evidence that the November 9 1888 couldn't have been the work of one ripper. There would have needed to be a team of SB assassins - to carry umbrellas, change of jumpers and make refreshing cups of sweet London Tea whilst they went about their grisly business.

Pity Patsy Cornwell never thought of that, but she is such a second (third) rate researcher unlike little me who can find inspiration and evidence wherever I go.

I've also made medical history by catching meningitis from flu. Thankfully my doctor provided me with what he called 'super pennecillin (click)' and I'm taking lots of it. I think - because I have much more experience than an underqualified GP with no research qualifications - that I may have Aphtae epizooticae (click) from Cumbria and Lancashire We'll watch it and keep checking. It certainly came in thick and fast. Very; in about half an hour, but then it's been around for over a week.

Anyway, pay no heed to the fools and brigands on the hate filled stalker abuse blog. I never go there and neither should you. If you do then you won't be permitted to read my blog anymore. The internet will stop you.

Now I'm off to spend several hours Googling illnesses as part of my research into my (current) medical condition. Although I've been at deaths door for many days i'm glad that I've never been too ill to drag myself down to a cyber cafe and spend hours of each day putting my stalkers in their place and correcting the foolish errors that inferiour people are making all over the internet.